Devestation.

I'm so tempted to delete this whole blog.

We found out this week that I've miscarried our first child, and the sickening nervous excitement in the last few posts is making me positively ill.

All my pointless stressing about money, the apartment hunting for a second bedroom, reading stupid 'expecting' books and buying Richard "How to be a Great Dad for Dummies" and onsies with the outline of Ghana on them was such a waste of time.

And I was so cocky. So sure I was going to be a success at making babies that I TOLD. And now I have to untell people.

Fuck this.

I miss my little peanut. For a little while there I was special. I had something wonderful that infected everyone who knew with happiness. Now I'm just empty.

Richard, of course has been amazing. But I caught him crying on his own, and I heard his voice crack when he called Ghana and told his mother. And seeing him so sad...sadder than I've ever seen him, is the worst part. I'm so good at compartmentalising my grief that I could probably go on pretending it never happened. But I feel like the grim reaper, forcing a black cloud over everyone I tell.

I might delete this blog. Except that I can vent here without anyone I know reading it.

Baby = Official

Womens intuition doesn't lie apparently.

I just came from the doctor, and just got off the phone with the new daddy to be.

We're officially pregnant. And thats as much information as I've got right now.

I'm skipping work tomorrow to have an ultrasound and find out how far along we are, but I don't think it can be more than about six weeks...surely not longer than two months anyway.

I'm scared out of my fucking mind. Terrified. And amazed. And so unbelievably confused.

Daddy to be is estatic. I'm scared everything is going to change. He just got more motivated to make money and provide. He says his mother in Ghana will be thrilled. Mine might be too. Maybe.

Fuck.

I'm swinging wildly from crying and lamenting that I might never run amock overseas by myself again, and thinking "well, I did that. This is a new chapter". And this man I have. This man. They say you shouldn't have a baby with someone if you wouldn't want your son to turn out just like him. My son could rule the world if he turned out just like his daddy. I'm not worried about him at all. He'll be an amazing father.

I'm worried about me. I don't cook as often as I should. I don't wash up for days. I'm lazy. I have a short temper. I don't know if I'll be any good at this.

And I have no idea where to start.
Totally overwhelmed.

I'm going to go call my mum :S

I think I might be having a baby

Yep. You heard it here first.
Before friends, family, baby daddy.

This is unconfirmed info. But I know.

I'm late, I'm queasey. I just know. Intuition or something maybe.

So I'm oddly calm maybe because i haven't told anyone so I dont have to actually make any plans yet. I'm sure I'll start freaking out soon.

But really, as petrified as I am, the decision is a no brainer. We're together as a couple, we have a stable place to live (although I had kind of hoped to have a backyard by the time I had a baby), we both have jobs, and while our saving are pretty miniscule right now, we have a few months to save up. I also have a hugely supportive family who will help me out as much as I need. I've got it luckier than lots of expectant mothers. I've even got a few girlfriends who already have kids...some of them have two now! There will be no shortage of advice from my mummy and my aunty I'm sure.

God I'm scared.
This is the biggest, scariest, most permanent commitment I'll ever make.

But funnily enough, all I want to do is pick baby names.

Suggestions?

The Wish List

The Car:

Everyone has those things that will mean they've made it. Or, if you're me, theres the things that means you've made it in real terms, and things that mean you've made it in crazy celebrity terms. One of those things for me is the wheels. You know you've made it when you close the deal on your dream car, or if your're really super lucky on your super-fantasy car.

So heres my current fantasy cars. When I drive one of these off a showroom floor or a carlot, I'll know I've made it.

A black lincoln continental - super shiny, blacked out windows and dropped low on it's wheels. Oh and those are suicide doors too. This car isn't for everyone, but its got some serious OG cred about it. Would be comfy as hell to cruise in and I can just picture how powerful it would look on the streets of all my favorite cities. A car this big would be an absolute pain in be-hind to park...but thats a downside I'm willing to live with.  When I own this car it's going to be all black leather inside, with  a pretty, curly 'R' monogramed into the headrests. The same R will be engraved into the chrome on the door handle, and into the rims. I'd also like it painted in silver really small on the back end somewhere...so people would know it's mine from the street. I'm vain like that.

OR...

A cranberry red 911 Porsche. So pretty, and little and sexy. Good for zipping around teeny streets in Italy, and picking up boys in Miami. Yep, this car is cute as hell. I want

I start at my new job tomorrow, in the office of a big florist chain in the city. Mucho excited, obviously, and feel the need to post some flowery inspiration.

We...me and the Boy, just got back from a wedding out in the country, in a little town called Milthorp, about four hours away from Sydney. It was super lovely, except maybe for the senile minister who forgot his glasses, but pretended he could read anyway, forgot the bride's name briefly and dropped the rings. The couple made paper origami flowers. So beautiful, and the bride wore a white and purple dress, and hot pink shoes.

I love it when men cry at weddings, and the father of the groom made his daugher and his new daughter in law cry too. My 80 year old grandparents joined the dancefloor, and my little sister caught the bouquet. She sent a text to her boyfriends to tell him she caught it, so she was the next to get married, and his reply was "cool, who are you marrying?". I don't think he's keen?

On being a good friend.

So, with all my introspective ramblings about bettering my life, losing weight, earning money and avoiding the bitches, I've become so self involved that I didn't know a dear dear friend of mine had been admitted into a rehabilitation centre for her eating disorder, the centre had shut down and that she was now back at home and backsliding rapidly. She's looking into going to another centre.

I feel honestly sick to my stomache with guilt that I haven't been there for her. That I let my own stuff get in the way of being a good friend. Thats not how I want to be. Its not how I used to be. And for fucksakes! It's not even about me. It's about her. When did I get so selfish?

Consider this me turning over a new leaf. And making it my mission to help my lovely friend, who is vibrant and beautiful and talented and awe-inspiring. She's just forgotten it, that's all.

And also, FUCK whoever it was that made fun of her about her breasts, fuck the bitchy dancer girls that made her life harder. anyone who was cruel to her - when she was never cruel a day in her life - deserves a world of hurt, and I'm so angry I might just track them all down and inflict it myself, after giving myself a good solid punch in the arm for not doing it sooner.

I'm going to spend money...

I know I shouldn't,
But I'm going to Lush on the way back from work, and if it's open, I am going to buy a skin care regime. Cleanser, Toner and Moisturizer...and maybe a bubble bar. And a mask. And I am going to have a spa-day tomorrow. And it's going to be AWESOME. I am going to drag myself out of the house in the morning to go to the salvos store and price fridges, and hopefully buy one. Then to Broadway, where I shall get my nails done (white or pale dove grey/mauve), and see if miss Jeannie is working. And if I've purchased a fridge I shall also purchase dinner fixings.
When I return I shall speak to the building managers about internet connections, and get the numbers again to call and connect gas and electricity (before we get cut off!) Then while having lunch I shall make some phone calls pertaining to having internet, gas and electricity connected. Hopefully by the conclusion of the week we shall have internet, fridge, power sources all sorted and can get on with Life.
I can't wait to cook a proper meal, and save the left overs, and buy stuff and have it keep. I'm going to buy a case of drink and store it in a cupcoard, and always have six cans cooling in the minibar!
I know I shouldn't spend money in Lush...but Richard is always telling me to invest in myself. And then in a few days I think I'll drop in at the doctorbs for a (hopefully bulk billed) appointment to sort out some things of the 'lets not get pregnant right now' kind.
And once internet is connected I am going to start job hunting in earnest again and again. I'm talking ten jobs a day, hardcore getting my job on. I want fulltime cash to enjoy!

I'll post my NY resolutions soon too. Yay!