In my days of leisure - this blissful gap where uni has finished but work hasn't bumped their hours back up to full time just yet, I've caught up fully with all that trashy tv I neglected during the semester. You know, the really good stuff like Real Housewives of Atlanta, Love and Hip Hop...I've watched about three seasons of Say Yes To The Dress because it's wedding season and that ish facinates me.
With the weather being so cloudy and rainy in Sydney at the moment, I've taken the opportunity to stay in and screw my head back on. I always feel a bit like I'm on a trapeze when I'm juggling work and uni, like any second I'll miss the catch and the whole thing will crumble. Thankfully, I've scraped through again, and looking at my current ability to write, just in time. That mixed circus themed simile was terrible.
That said, I realize that while my life is slightly more hectic than all my classmates because I don't live at home anymore and do work to support myself, if things had worked out differently, I could have been juggling those final essays with planning a first birthday party. Had the universe taken a slightly different course, we would have had a child turning a year old around about November 6th. It's absolutely mind blowing to me how different our lives might have been at this moment. While I can't truly say I'm 100% happy with the way that part of our lives has played out so far, I am at least thankful that maybe now we get the opportunity to plan this at our own pace instead. It's a very strange feeling to be a bit ambivalent about procreating, then being forced into deciding pretty quickly whether this life is going to include children or not, realizing that actually yes, this is a life that will hopefully include a little person...to the universe just kind being like "psych! not yet!". Maybe it's just a coping mechanism, but I like to think of it like a warning shot - a "this is something you probably want, so maybe keep it in mind when you're making your plans to it can fit in one day down the track".
It's hard seeing friends with their gorgeous little families, beautifully chaotic households and with convention thrown out the window. Their thriving reminds me that we could have managed just fine. Our time will come though, and at least I know some truly inspiring women who have gone before me who can help light the way.
|Obviously not R's baby, but he's a natural, don't you think?|